hello

I'm sitting in bed, propped up against the headboard. The boyfriend sound asleep, and me, high on meds battling a cold that's lasted since I came back from NYC (roughly 20 days already). Maybe the bugs here are stronger, or maybe I'm just weak and disease-prone. Or maybe I'm just not careful enough. But it always seems to take forever for me to recover from being sick. They always tend to drag on and on.

Life here is surreal. It isn't what I thought it would be like, not that I had a real idea of how it was to be anyhow. California is just a different animal, and I have to be a different animal to make any sense of it. Visiting home was integral to my next few years. I've been away for so long that I've forgotten why I came out here in the first place, getting caught up in moments or getting lost in shifting places like some character in a Wong Karwai film.

There's been a lot of learning the past year, a lot of pain, lot of loss. In hindsight, it had been mostly good, but definitely a trying year. Sneaking by so quickly. I'm turning 30 this year.

:::

Not much to report really. Life is pretty simple for me at the moment. My only preoccupation is a personal one. I've been lacking focus for quite some time now, always avoiding rather than taking the challenge and owning the experience. So the year started rather messy, getting sick and all. But once I fully recover, I expect to kick into high gear. Focus on my craft, seek out happiness, reach out, engage, give meaning to life, and seriously strive for self-actualization.

::

The thing with apologies is that, it's never enough to fix the situation. Sometimes no matter how much of it you give, it'll never make up for the damage that was done. Time wouldn't allow it. I used to think that it's never too late to apologize, until I found out what that song was written about. I used to apologized for a lot of things. Chinese family based on Confucian traditions does that to you. Apologies were always so easy to say, I'd even say sorry for situations where I hadn't been wrong. Too easy to give in for the sake of peace. So. Another thing to add to my list of Things To Work On: #130 - Don't apologize incessantly for what you've done wrong. Acknowledge the mistake, move on, and make certain not to repeat them.

::

Ramble fest.

resolve

I usually don't believe in resolutions. I've always thought that if I needed change, why hold off until the year has ended or wait for a new year to start? This year came so quickly, so abrupt, and in such solemn circumstances, that I feel... maybe it is time for me to take things a little more seriously.

I've been in California for more than two years now, and though the first year was one of the most difficult years of my life, I haven't done much to advance myself the way I should. My creative output has been put on hold... for the relationship, for work, for life. Now that I've solidly and confidently held onto someone I want to be with, I should refocus my energies back to well... me, the things that make me who I am, the music, the art, the magic. I've put them on hold for too long.

So as resolution for this new year, for this new decade, I will focus on creating, to consistently produce, express, output. Regardless of whether I have something to say, what it means, whether or not it's any good, I will just produce, keep producing, keep making things, because I've been too quiet for too long.

I will:
• take my 7D with me everywhere
• get better lenses
• paint at least 4 pieces this year
• cut losses, simplify, condense, unclutter all aspects of my life
• be more consistent, don't let distractions set in so easily
• take breaks, set time to relax, treat myself to guilty pleasures but acknowledge limits
• get tattoo for 30th birthday
• be more close to mom and dad, check in with family more
• get healthy